I was talking to someone close to me recently who spent almost a year believing there was something wrong with her.

She was living in a share house with two other people. They weren’t deliberately unkind, but they weren’t her people. They had their own friendship, interests and routines. They’d head out together, garden together, make plans without her and share memories she wasn’t part of. She often felt like she was standing just outside the circle, looking in. She began to feel like she was living with people rather than belonging with them.

At first, she tried harder. She made more of an effort, said yes whenever they invited her somewhere and questioned whether she was doing something wrong. When nothing really changed, she did what so many of us do, she turned the conversation inward.

∞ Maybe I’m too quiet.

∞    Maybe I’m too different.

∞    Maybe I’m just not enough.

∞    Maybe I need to change.

Over time, those thoughts became stories. Stories that slowly chipped away at her confidence and made her question who she was. Then something changed. She moved out!

Not because she’d had a falling out, and not because she’d suddenly become a different person. She simply found another place to live. And that’s where the real story begins.

Today she shares a home with people who love art, creativity and exploring ideas. They hold parties where everyone brings along paintings they’ve created, they share food and laugh together. They spend weekends wandering through galleries, heading to festivals and talking about the things that light them up.

Watching her now, it’s hard to believe she’s the same person who once wondered if there was something wrong with her. The light is back in her eyes, shining brightly in all that she does.

There was never something wrong with her. She wasn’t too much, or too little, or not enough. She was simply trying to belong in a room that was never quite hers. She hasn’t changed, the room has.

It made me think about how often we do exactly the same thing in our own lives. We mistake a lack of belonging for a lack of worth. We try to become less of ourselves so we’ll fit into a room that was never meant for us.

We stay in:

∞    Workplaces where we constantly feel like we tie ourselves in knots, being someone we are not and constantly feel like we have to prove ourselves.

∞    Friendships where we never quite feel accepted – there but not really included.

∞    Environments where we edit so many parts of ourselves because we think that’s what it takes to fit in, that we no longer recognise ourselves.

We assume the answer is to change ourselves, where we perhaps need to become:

∞    Quieter

∞    More confident

∞    Less emotional

∞    More like everyone else.

We hide the very parts of ourselves that someone else would value.

But what if we are asking the wrong question? What if the question isn’t:

“How do I fit into this room?”

What if it’s:

“Is this the right room for me?”

Maybe one of the most powerful conversations we can have isn’t about convincing someone else to see our value. It’s about recognising where our value is already seen. Not every conversation is meant to help you fit into the room, some conversations are meant to help you realise you’re in the wrong one. And while that realisation can be uncomfortable, it can also be incredibly freeing.

That doesn’t mean we walk away every time things get uncomfortable. Growth often comes from staying in conversations that challenge us. But there is a difference between being challenged and constantly feeling like you don’t belong and are having to be something you are not. One helps you grow while the other slowly convinces you that you’re not enough.

Because once you stop trying to convince the wrong people… you create space to find the right ones.

This newsletter is about those conversations. The ones that change how we see ourselves and sometimes, just as importantly, where we choose to spend our time and energy.

Some questions I’ll leave you with are:

∞    Where in your life are you working hard to earn belonging?

∞    Is there a room you’re working hard to fit in to but you’ve now outgrown it, or it was never the right room?

∞    What conversation might help you discover the room where you no longer have to pretend?

Not every conversation is meant to help you fit into a room. Some conversations allow you to realise you’re in the wrong one and enables you to find the room where you were meant to be all along.